It’s been the usual mad days. The season has started at work and this means that I’m fully busy. We started with minimum staff for the first 4 weeks, then our help from last season came back to take a full-time position reducing my hours to somewhere close to 40 per week. Until last week when she told us that she’s leaving. Yesterday was her last day.

Our immediate reaction to the news was to down a couple of pints midday last Friday. Not the most adult way of dealing with things but seemed like a necessity at the time (which led to quite a lot of beer by the end of the night). We’ve managed to cover some of her shifts going forward but inevitably, this means that my work load is about to increase again. I will be doing every breakfast and every dinner shift from today onwards till early October.

I’m not too stressed out about having to work a bit more. I know I’m good at what I do. Last week, I had so many guests leaving and shaking my hands and expressing their gratitude. However, I know that I will probably lose myself in my work and it will be so difficult to recover from it. It will be difficult not to be empty and broken by the end of the season. I already struggle with fitting anything but work and sleep into my week and I know it’s only going to get harder. This last week I’ve felt so tired already and it’s only June. I’m not trying to blame it on work, it’s just me. I know that I have trouble switching off and stepping out. I’m a workaholic and not in a good way.

I am lucky to have an Employer who doesn’t take advantage of my inability to stop working. In fact, the only thing he ever tells me to do at work is to step out and take some time off. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t want this job to become like any of my previous jobs where I had essentially burnt out. Unfortunately, I’m a stubborn cow and hardly ever listen to him. It’s not in my nature to leave when everything’s not finished. I’m a team worker and I like working with other people. I prefer to work in an environment where everyone puts in the effort to collectively achieve the result. I take work seriously, that’s the only way I can have fun at work. So that’s why I get stressed out and grumpy when others don’t work that way. When others take it easy because I’m already doing everything.

There been many moments where I try to help but it only seems to backfire and I feel like I’m doing just more harm. I can’t stand not knowing what is going on. This is why I took over the job of writing up rotas for work. Well, that definitely backfired. It’s complete brainfuck anyway to get the rotas done in a way that everyone gets the hours they should and it all still seems fair. So, obviously when there’s an awkward shift, I would put myself on it rather than anyone else. The Employer wasn’t happy with that and we’ve had more than one argument over it. The good thing about losing a member of staff is that there’s no longer the need to play around with rotas…

All in all I feel the deadline is closing in on me and I have to decide what to do after this season is over. Whether to stay or to go. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible with the Employer about my thoughts and doubts but I am still so confused myself that I don’t really want to say anything. A couple of weeks ago we talked a bit about plans for winter and next year and I feel guilty about not knowing. I told him that I know I owe him a decision but I just don’t have one yet. To which he obviously replied (in many, many words) that as far as work is considered, I am not just needed but wanted. Which is always nice to hear, I suppose. However, as I’m trying to figure out whether to stay or leave, it does make me feel guilty about even thinking about leaving. After all, work, in many ways, is more of a reason to stay rather than the thing that’s pushing me to leave. I can’t imagine finding another job where I would be appreciated trusted as much as I am here and that would offer the freedom that I have here.

But work is also all that I have. I don’t have a life outside it and I am getting to a point where I no longer like that. I want to have a life outside work. I want to be something else than just my work. But as I have never really known what it’s like not to put work first, I’m not sure I know how to do it. I am starting to feel being burnt out and I know it’s not because of work but because of me. I love my job but I can’t figure out a way of doing it without it breaking me in the process.

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