I’m worried that my therapist thinks I’m crazy.

That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now. Three weeks ago at my appointment it seemed that for the first time, I was making progress. There are still plenty of issues to work through but I was actually feeling like I might have a chance of being normal.

And then I got a reality check. What I thought was me doing well, was me just being really good at ignoring everything. So not long after that appointment I got knocked off my high horse and back into the ditch. And this is where I’ve been recently. So at my appointment this week I truly felt like a failure, a complete crazy person who’s just incapable of changing.

The truth is that ever since I fell back into the slump, I have just felt completely hopeless. I just feel so tired of trying and honestly, I just really want to give up. Maybe that’s just who I am: a tired, sad and anxious person and maybe I’m just one of those people who’s never supposed to be happy. And it’s been nearly 3 weeks now and I just can’t shake this feeling.

And I do try to distract myself. I have found two things that tend to help temporarily: swimming and, to my great surprise, gardening. Thankfully I have the weediest flower bed in the world, so the work is outside never-ending. And for someone who hasn’t managed to keep a house plant alive for more than 6 months, my little garden is actually looking pretty good.

Swimming is another life saver. I bought a wetsuit at the end of May and had a first go in Bassenthwaite during an Alpkit social swim and suddenly I was reminded of how much I love water. I have been trying to go at least once a week ever since that and I have had many beautiful long swims in Ullswater. I especially enjoy just driving on a Friday or Saturday night over to the other side of the lake and park at this little car park and go in for an hour. If it’s not too crowded, I like to sit in the back my car afterwards, door wide open, with a hot chocolate and just enjoy the view over the lake. I love how quiet it is when you’re in the middle of the lake.

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Today, I totally got slapped in the face by the lake. I felt like I deserved it. I just feel like a completely horrible person at the moment and I just don’t have the energy to be better. And what’s the point anyway? Because I genuinely can’t think of a single reason…

And work is not working out. I just feel like I can’t get it right ever. I feel so tiny and insignificant. And tired. And sad. And alone.

So yes, I’m worried that my therapist thinks I’m crazy because I’m pretty sure everyone else already thinks that anyway.

One thought on “501 words of complaining

  1. I have been missing for a while… But I want to say I think healing sometimes feels like getting more crazy, but it’s OK – you are getting closer to the painful feelings about yourself… It’s often the only way to lift the darkness to get close to its roots… I swam a mile in Ullswater on holiday last week and now I’m back to the wild sea of Devon, I will think of you and wish you the stillness of the lake. ❤

    Like

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