501 words of complaining

I’m worried that my therapist thinks I’m crazy.

That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now. Three weeks ago at my appointment it seemed that for the first time, I was making progress. There are still plenty of issues to work through but I was actually feeling like I might have a chance of being normal.

And then I got a reality check. What I thought was me doing well, was me just being really good at ignoring everything. So not long after that appointment I got knocked off my high horse and back into the ditch. And this is where I’ve been recently. So at my appointment this week I truly felt like a failure, a complete crazy person who’s just incapable of changing.

The truth is that ever since I fell back into the slump, I have just felt completely hopeless. I just feel so tired of trying and honestly, I just really want to give up. Maybe that’s just who I am: a tired, sad and anxious person and maybe I’m just one of those people who’s never supposed to be happy. And it’s been nearly 3 weeks now and I just can’t shake this feeling.

And I do try to distract myself. I have found two things that tend to help temporarily: swimming and, to my great surprise, gardening. Thankfully I have the weediest flower bed in the world, so the work is outside never-ending. And for someone who hasn’t managed to keep a house plant alive for more than 6 months, my little garden is actually looking pretty good.

Swimming is another life saver. I bought a wetsuit at the end of May and had a first go in Bassenthwaite during an Alpkit social swim and suddenly I was reminded of how much I love water. I have been trying to go at least once a week ever since that and I have had many beautiful long swims in Ullswater. I especially enjoy just driving on a Friday or Saturday night over to the other side of the lake and park at this little car park and go in for an hour. If it’s not too crowded, I like to sit in the back my car afterwards, door wide open, with a hot chocolate and just enjoy the view over the lake. I love how quiet it is when you’re in the middle of the lake.

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Today, I totally got slapped in the face by the lake. I felt like I deserved it. I just feel like a completely horrible person at the moment and I just don’t have the energy to be better. And what’s the point anyway? Because I genuinely can’t think of a single reason…

And work is not working out. I just feel like I can’t get it right ever. I feel so tiny and insignificant. And tired. And sad. And alone.

So yes, I’m worried that my therapist thinks I’m crazy because I’m pretty sure everyone else already thinks that anyway.

Never good enough

I haven’t been writing recently because of several reasons. Firstly, the lack of energy. This summer has completely sucked the life out of me and I can only blame myself. Already a few weeks ago I had to admit that I had hit the wall quite thoroughly. I feel completely burnt out. I’m just so tired and not in the way that can be fixed with a few good nights’ sleep.

Secondly, I feel like I can’t write what I feel because it would upset my friends reading this blog. I’ve never been good at talking and writing is one outlet for helping me to get some feelings out of me. But sometimes what I feel is very dark and scary even to me, so knowing that people who know me in real life are going to read it and draw their own conclusions freaks me out. And I end up not writing because I’m too afraid to deal with consequences of what I write. So I end up wondering if I need to filter what I want to write, what’s the point of writing at all. Most people know me as a normal, silly, slightly crazy person. That’s the image I have maintained for decades. They don’t know that I’ve been struggling with various demons since early teenage years…

Thirdly, I haven’t been writing because I feel that I can’t write. I’ve convinced myself that my writing is never good enough. The right words don’t come out. The sentences and paragraphs are sloppy and all over the place. My texts are just boring and not to the point. So if my writing’s that shit, why bother at all?

I’m a perfectionist, I know that much. It might sound like a good way to be because the drive to achieve perfection is a force that keeps you going in life and makes you successful. Maybe in some cases that’s true. However, I’ve realised lately how much I let that trait to be in charge of my life. Being a perfectionist for me means that I’m never going to be good enough in anything I ever do. And that’s a frustrating way to live.

I’ve given up so many things in life because I couldn’t be perfect at them. From small things in life to hobbies I’ve really enjoyed. When I was in secondary school, my PE teacher decided to teach me to dive. I was an okay swimmer (for an extremely nonathletic girl), but I had never learnt to dive. So she gave me some useful tips and I learnt to overcome my fear and my dives started to look less like belly flops and more like dives. So one weekend I went to my local pool to practise and I belly flopped every single time. My perfectionism flared up, I hurried out of the pool to spend the rest of the day loathing myself convinced that I’m the most useless person in the world. I can’t even dive, what’s the point of trying to do anything at all! I didn’t try diving for years and even now I rarely do it (I might try it when there’s no one around to see me).

And that’s just one example. I stopped dancing after more than 10 years because I couldn’t be as good as professional dancers who had danced since they could walk (I  first joined a dance class when I was 13 or 14; also being tall and stiff-jointed doesn’t exactly help in becoming an amazing dancer). I used to love dancing but gradually I refused to perform with my group, then I decreased the number of classes I took until I just stopped altogether. Some days I really, really miss it but I doubt I’ll ever take it up again. Because I’m not good enough.

More recently, I was nudged towards taking more photos. I’ve always considered myself not very creative visually. But a few people around me liked the photos I’d taken and urged me to do more. I let myself to be flattered and I even bought myself my own DSLR camera. For a moment, I felt quite good. I was even allowing myself to be a beginner, to not know everything at once. And then I saw someone else take interest in photography and instantly I started comparing my photos to theirs and mine looked so much worse. And I’ve now decided that I can’t take photos. That they all look shit. I should maybe just sell my camera.

I feel like my life is a constant struggle against myself. Whenever I decide to do something, I always have to fight against this little very loud voice that tells me not to bother because it’s not going to be good enough anyway. I’ve decided not to go to my writing group this autumn because I feel like my writing’s not good enough. I don’t want to go for a run because I’m never going to be able to run as far or as fast as this friend or that. I barely cook or bake anything for myself, because it’s not going to taste and look as good as other people’s cooking. What’s the point in putting on make up or buy new clothes or even just brush my hair if I’m going to look fat and ugly anyway? And so on… I am constantly comparing myself to others. And I always fall short. Every. Single. Time. And so I end up just sitting here, just a heap of self-loathing.

I don’t want to be like this anymore but I don’t know how to not be a perfectionist. How do you even start liking someone you have hated for most of your life? How do you argue against that voice in your head telling you you’re just a waste of space? I genuinely fear that this perfectionism will eventually just lock me in a room staring at the ceiling because I’m too afraid to do anything else in case I’m not good enough at it. And I don’t need people to feel sorry for me and tell me how I’m not a bad writer, bad photographer, bad person… As much as I appreciate it, I also cannot take it in because my inner critic is that much louder, that much more powerful. And she will convince me that you’re only lying and that I’m not a good enough person to deserve nice people telling me nice stuff.